cipay

 

my art will be  to meet you in our humble distance pasts. 

praise our room with skin and bone. 

i want you inside me, deeper than all

the lamentable reasons we left home.

dirt bag love affair – amber dawn (1)

i thought we shared a story.

coming undone, a common starting point

maybe our narratives intertwined enough

that when our limbs connected we would already

be something cognizant and convenient

i thought that maybe we were strangers that weren’t so strange

maybe we were acquaintances from a different lifetime

or maybe our ancestors shook hands or entwined their limbs too

in vain hope i thought that we were oppressed and pressed together

my art will be to meet you in our humble distance pasts

never gentle

to yourself

or with me

never demur or tender or soft or caressing

rough and ragged

messy and undone

inebriated with the lights off

in a nest made from mental instability

a tangle of self-loathing masquerading as intimacy

praise our room with skin and bone.

i don’t know how we left off

i want you when i want to self-destruct

pressed together hoping to disappear

i want you when i want to dive beneath the river

when i want to swing from old birch trees

when i want to feel like i can’t breathe

in you i can recognize a hurt i recognize in me

and when we rub our wounds together

for that moment: there is clarity

i want you inside me deeper than all

i’m still not sure why i left where i’m from

i know i miss riptides and cutbanks

cattail roots and fire weed

i miss chickadee songs in winter

and the sound of snow falling

but i think sometimes in the silence of my thoughts

i miss you, accidently and quietly

i miss the concept of you, slow and steady

i convince myself i miss you more than

the lamentable reasons we left home. 

(1) Amber Dawn, Where the World Ends and My Body Begins. Arsenal Pulp Press, 2015.

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